Tag Archives: humor

The Guardians Must Realize The Wiener Threat

People and fur people who are Disciples of The Leader Otis,

It’s Thomas.

This morning I decided to head to our Outdoor Domain to see if I could detect any suspicious wiener dog activity going on in or around our backyard. When I arrived at the Outdoor Domain I could not believe what I saw. The Guardians had added a whole new level to the observation deck! Brother Henry was sitting on this new level surveying his surroundings.

Multi-Level Domain-1

The Guardians had added a new level to our observation deck! Brother Henry was sitting on it!

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The Mewclear Option

Disciples of The Leader Otis,

Brother Henry here.

As you may be aware, last week Thomas discovered evidence that led us to believe that agents of the Long-feared Dog Uprising were working on a pawtomic weapon delivery device. I had no choice but to take us to DEFCAT-2, and I tasked Thomas with researching a weapon that might help us counter the pawtomic threat. Yesterday he called Brother Oliver and I into the living room to give us a report on his progress. When we arrived, we found Thomas standing by a strange container that contained a shiny rock being held under a glass dome by a metal stand. As we entered the room, Sir Thomas said, “Welcome Brothers. I think I have discovered the key to our defense.”

Thomas with strange container.

Thomas was standing in the living room with a strange container containing a shiny rock.

Brother Oliver and I approached the strange container and I took a closer look at the rock. It was sparkly and a little bit mesmerizing.

Brother Henry looking closer.

The rock was sparkly. I couldn’t stop looking at it.

I asked Brother Oliver what he thought of the rock and he said, “That’s not a rock, Brother Henry. It looks like a crystal. See how it’s clear and kind of smooth on the sides?

Close-up of strange rock.

Brother Oliver said the shiny rock was a crystal.

At this point Sir Thomas interrupted saying, “Yes! Exactly! A crystal! This is the key to creating a weapon that will deter those dastardly wiener dogs!”

Thomas looking serious.

Thomas seemed to think this crystal was the key to our defense.

I asked Sir Thomas how this crystal could help us and he started to tell a very strange story. He said, “Do you guys remember that documentary the Guardians used to watch? I think it was called ‘Star Truck’…” Brother Oliver started to say that he was pretty sure that wasn’t the name of the show but Thomas ignored him and continued, “…yeah, so on Star Truck there were these people that used to drive this big truck all around space delivering… hmmm… I am not sure what they were delivering but I do know they had cargo bays for something… Anyway, these star truckers had one rule, and that was that they should never get in anyone else’s business. For some reason though, all they ever did was drive around space getting into everyone else’s business…”

Brother Oliver interrupted Thomas saying, “Hey kid, does this story have a point? Because so far I’m not really getting how this relates to the crystal and how the crystal can help us.”

Brother Oliver looking at crystal.

Brother Oliver was growing impatient and wanted to know how the crystal could help us.

A little annoyed with Oliver’s impatience, Thomas said, “I am getting there, Brother Oliver! In the meantime, while I am getting there, how about you and Brother Henry help me figure out how to get the crystal out of this thing.” A little sheepishly Brother Oliver said, “OK Thomas. We’ll help. Maybe if we can figure out how to tip this over from the base we will be able to break the glass and get the crystal. Ok everyone, look closely at the base and see if you see any weaknesses. Thomas, please continue.” We all started examining the base of the object as Thomas resumed his story.

Looking at base.

As Thomas continued, we all started looking at the base of the container to see if we could tip it.

As we inspected the base Sir Thomas said, “OK, as I was saying, the people in the Star Truck were always driving around space breaking the only rule they had. But in order to get around in space they had this special fuel for their truck called ‘die-lithium’. It was a crystal that they kept inside some sort of containment field. When I saw this crystal was in a containment field I thought that it must be a die-lithium crystal! The reason this is exciting is because, according to what I saw on the documentary, die-lithium crystals become very unstable when they lose their containment field. If we can harness their power the wiener dogs won’t stand a chance!”

At this point Brother Oliver paused. He looked over at Sir Thomas and asked, “Wait, what do you mean the crystals become ‘unstable’. What happens when they lose their containment field?”

Brother Oliver pausing.

Brother Oliver paused to ask what Sir Thomas meant.

Still looking for a way to tip the crystal container over, Sir Thomas replied, “When they lose their containment field they blow up! It’s a HUGE explosion, bigger than a mewclear bomb! Now do you see why I am so excited! The wiener dogs will not dare to attack us when they hear of our mewclear deterrent… wait, where are you guys going?” Brother Oliver and I quickly retreated to try to reason with Sir Thomas from the opposite side of the room.

Brother Oliver said, “Thomas, I know you are excited, but take a minute and think about what you just said.” At first Thomas just stared at us with a puzzled look.

Thomas looking puzzled.

At first, Thomas didn’t understand what Brother Oliver was trying to tell him.

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Thomas’s Discovery Takes Us To DEFCAT 2

Disciples of Otis,

Brother Oliver here,

This morning I walked into the living room to find Brother Henry and Sir Thomas sitting up on the arm of the couch looking like they were on high alert. I overheard Thomas say, “I am telling you Brother Henry, I saw it with my own eyes! This thing could be the biggest threat to feline existence since the invention of the vacuum cleaner!”

Wiener Threat 1-1

Sir Thomas told Brother H that he had discovered the biggest threat to feline existence since the vacuum cleaner.

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My Nose Does Not Lie

Disciples of The Leader Otis,

Brother Henry here.

Yesterday Brother Oliver and I both wanted to nap in the same place at the same time. You see, there’s this ottoman that the Guardians put under a window right next to the TV. They also placed a Sacred Orange Pillow of Enlightenment on it. There is nothing better than laying your head down on the pillow while stretching out on the cushy surface of the ottoman, but only one cat can do this at once. Unfortunately, Brother Oliver arrived at the ottoman shortly before I did so he got the pillow. Fortunately, Brother Oliver’s behind is almost as cushy as the pillow so we worked out a compromise.

Oliver and Henry compromise 1

Brother Oliver and I both wanted to nap on the Ottoman and pillow. We worked out a compromise.

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Charlie’s Consolation Prize

Disciples of The Leader Otis,

Brother Henry Here. I saw the whole thing! I was sitting on the cat tree in the front window when it happened! The Limbo Cat named Charlie from across the street almost caught a squirrel! I think it might have even been the squirrel that sometimes taunts me from the fence when I look out the window in the office. Anyway, it all started when I looked down at the walkway under the window and noticed Charlie hanging out there. I don’t think I knew I was watching him.

Charlie sitting on sidewalk.

I noticed Charlie sitting on the walkway in front of the house. I don’t think he saw me.

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Thomas’s New And Improved Wiener Defense Method

Disciples of The Leader Otis,

Brother Henry here.

You may recall a while back Sir Thomas had us run a week of wiener dog readiness drills. During that week we were using the Super Outpost Tabby Tower as our assembly station whenever whenever Thomas yelled out “Wiener Dog!” Well, it seems that Thomas has done some more strategic thinking because he came to us this week and told us he had devised a revolutionary new defensive plan.

Sir T said, “I know the Tabby Tower was the key to my previous wiener defense plan, but I have been reviewing that plan and realized that it had a glaring flaw. What if the wieners cut off our pathway to the tower? What will we do then? I have come up with a plan to deal with that possibility. I call it ‘operation got your back’. If the wieners attack and cut off our path to the tower, we will all jump to the highest, nearby, accessible spot and assume a back to back defensive formation. We will present the wieners with an impenetrable wall of teeth and claws! Are you ready to try it? Alright. Let’s go! Wiener dog!”

At Thomas’s shout all three of us quickly scanned the area and noticed that the arm of the couch was the nearest, highest perch. We all quickly leapt up and assumed the formation Thomas had devised.

Henry, Oliver, Thomas in position

When Thomas shouted “wiener dog!” we all jumped up on the arm of the couch and assumed the defensive position.

Once we were on the couch, I noticed there was one glaring weakness in Thomas’s suggested defensive position. I said, “Ummm… Thomas? With the three of us in this position it seems like we can handle attacks from the south, east, and west, but what if the attack comes from the north? Don’t we need a fourth cat to cover the fourth direction?” Sir T replied, “Nope, because Brother Oliver is going to do that. I forgot to mention that Brother Oliver will be in scan mode, turning his head rapidly from left to right to cover attacks from both the east and north! Give it a try Brother O!”

Henry, Oliver, Thomas in defensive position.

Sir Thomas said that Brother Oliver would be swiveling his head to cover two directions. Brother Oliver gave it a try.

As Brother Oliver swiveled his head back and forth he said, “Sir T? I kind of feel like if I turn my head back and forth, a wiener dog will just lunge in and attack me as soon as I am looking away from him.” Sir Thomas replied, “Yep. That will probably happen.” Brother Oliver said, “Ummmm… but if this is a defensive position isn’t it supposed to keep me from getting attacked?” Sir Thomas replied, “Well… sort of. See, once a wiener attacks you the others will follow. That will allow Brother Henry and me to run away quickly and find the Guardians so they can come help you. It’s the perfect plan.” Brother Oliver said, “Sooooo… in this new plan… I’m the bait again?” Sir Thomas replied, “Bait? No. No way. That is not what I would call you. I would call you the key to plan’s success!”

Upon hearing that Brother Oliver jumped down. As he walked out of the room he said, “Go back to the drawing board Sir T…” at which point Sir Thomas turned to me and said, “How would you feel about covering attacks from the north and east Brother H?” I replied, “I think you better worry more about attacks from the south.”, and then I whacked Thomas on the bum with my paw.

So Says Brother Henry

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The Brothers Have PTSSD!

People and fur people who are Disciples of The Leader Otis,

It’s Thomas.

Over the past week and a half, I have been trying to get The Brothers to tell me what happened to them at their annual Bad Place check-up. They both seemed a little shaken up when they came home, especially Brother Oliver. Brother Henry has been very forthcoming about his experience, although his memory seems to be a bit foggy about parts of the experience. Brother Henry said that the first thing he remembers is being placed in the portable kitty jail by The Guardians.

Henry in Kitty Jail

Brother Henry’s first memory about The Bad Place is that he was locked up in the portable kitty jail.

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