The Beast Returned!

My Disciples,

Oh my gosh!  I had a horrifying encounter this morning that I will not soon forget.  Remember that huge Raccoon that I saw in the yard the other day? Well, I was in My Outdoor Domain this morning dozing, and when I woke up, the wild beast was standing before Me with a hungry look in his eyes!

I awoke from a nap in My Outdoor Domain to find the wild beast standing before Me!

I leapt to My feet and the Raccoon lowered himself back down on all fours.  He began pacing slowly back and forth with his gaze fixed on Me. His eyes were hypnotic and, although I was terrified, I could not look away.

I leapt to My feet, and the Raccoon dropped down on all fours. He began pacing while staring at Me.

I shouted out for Brother Henry, and he came on the run, leaving a trail of kitty litter behind him.  Apparently, he had been in the middle of a potty break.  Brother Henry burst into My Outdoor Domain and, after letting out a startled yelp, exclaimed, “Run Leader Otis!  This foe is beyond any of us!”  Then, turning to the Raccoon he shouted, “Back to the shadows you foul, masked demon! This barrier marks the boundary of the Outdoor Domain of The Leader!  You shall not pass!”

Brother Henry burst into My Outdoor Domain. He told Me to run, and then he did his best to face down his much more powerful foe.

Just as it seemed that all hope was lost, the Raccoon suddenly retreated about 10 feet with a look of wariness in his eyes.  Brother Henry was startled by this, believing that the Raccoon had retreated at his command.  But the truth was that the Guardians of Otis had just entered My Outdoor Domain to see what was going on.  The Raccoon’s confidence wavered with the appearance of two bi-peds.

The Raccoon began to retreat. At first Brother Henry thought he had backed the beast down, but in reality it was the Guardians who had struck fear in his heart.

The larger Guardian exited My Outdoor Domain and went to face the Raccoon on his own turf.  The Guardian walked slowly toward the Raccoon, and the Raccoon slowly retreated around the side of the house, but he kept pausing and looking up at the Guardian as if he wanted something.

The Guardian walked toward the Raccoon, and the Raccoon slowly retreated. He kept stopping though and looking back at the Guardian as if he wanted something.

At one point My heart nearly stopped as I saw the Raccoon turn and walk right up to the Guardian.  I was sure that, at any moment, the Raccoon would take a flying leap and try to latch onto the Guardian’s throat!

At one point, the Raccoon walked right up to the Guardian. I thought he was going to attack!

Just as the Raccoon was within striking distance, I was amazed to hear the Guardian speak to him in his own language! The Guardian made a sort of guttural growl followed by a quick snort, and the Raccoon turned tail and headed off into the neighboring yard.  When the Guardian came back to My Outdoor Domain, he told the other Guardian that the Raccoon seemed to be very “habit chew eighted”, whatever that means, and that someone in the neighborhood must be feeding him. I guess feeding Raccoons must make them habit chew eighted, which in turn makes them less afraid of Guardians. He would have been a lot less bold if he had not been habit chew eighted.

I don’t know why a human would want to habit chew eight a Raccoon and make him less wary, but if what I saw this morning is any indication of the consequences, I really hope they stop!  Brother Henry agreed and, in an attempt to make light of our near death experience, he said, “We almost got ated because the Raccoon was habit chew eighted.”  I was still a little shaky, but that still made Me laugh.

So Sayeth Otis

Cult of Otis shirts, posters, mugs, stickers and more!