Disciples of Otis,
Brother Oliver here. Over the past several days I have made an important discovery. The plastic collar that Leader Otis has been wearing is not, in fact, a high-tech listening device that He invented while He was at The Bad Place. My suspicions first arose when Brother Henry realized that the device did not seem to improve The Leader’s Hearing.
My suspicions were confirmed when The Guardians came home with a bag that contained a new collar made out of softer, more padded material and they switched it out with the plastic one. This, and the fact that whenever they remove the collar the stay close by and prevent Leader Otis from licking his surgery site, makes me think that this is the real purpose of the collar.
So, the weird collar is not for improved listening, and Leader Otis did not create it Himself. This explains why He seems so relieved every time they take it off. Quite often, the first thing he does is give his ears a good scratch.
After taking care of the itchiness, He usually gets really happy. He’s still pretty loopy from his medicine, but I can see some of the old Leader Otis shining through.
After discovering that The Leader is not very happy to be wearing the collar, I decided that maybe we should have a Solidarity Sunday during which one of us healthy cats wore a collar to show that we stand with The Leader in this trying time. We held a Solidarity Sunday for Thomas a while back, and it seemed to really help him.
I found Brother Henry in the living room, and I shared my idea with him. He got all excited and said, “Yes! That sounds great Brother Oliver! Let’s do it!” I then said, “OK. I’ll go grab the collar so that you can put it on…” At this point Brother Henry looked really nervous. He said, “Uhhhh, me? I thought you were going to…uhhhh… OH MY GOSH! LOOK AT THAT OUTSIDE! IS THAT A DOG!? I’m sorry Brother Oliver, but I can’t wear the collar right now. I have to stay right here and make sure that we are not about to be attacked by an agent of the LFDU!”
I didn’t see anything out the window myself, but I know how seriously Brother Henry takes his security duties, so I didn’t argue. Besides, I was sure that Thomas would be thrilled to support this display of solidarity by wearing the collar himself since he had benefitted from a similar display by Leader Otis only a few months ago.
I headed up to Kitty Valhalla where I found Thomas loafing on The Sacred White Cloud of Eternal Comfiness. I explained my idea to him and showed him the collar I wanted him to wear. He was silent for a moment before saying, “Brother Oliver, I like your idea and I really do want to support Leader Otis after all the support He’s given me, but if you come near me with that thing I am totally going to lose my stuff. Seriously, I’m still dealing with demons you can’t imagine, and I can’t always control them. Putting that collar on me would turn Solidarity Sunday into Psychotic Episode Sunday. You do not want to see that.”
I agreed with Thomas that “Psychotic Episode Sunday” did not seem like something we wanted. As I turned to leave, Thomas said, “Hey! I have an idea! Why don’t you put on the collar?” It was a completely silly suggestion, of course. I mean, if I wore the collar, who would take the photo? I said as much to Thomas, and he said, “I can take it! I’ve watched you and the Guardians using cameras and it looks pretty easy!”
Before I had the chance to say, “Yes! Of course I’ll wear the collar!” I thought I heard a noise downstairs. I quickly told Thomas, “Ummm… That’s a wonderful Idea Thomas, but I think I just heard Brother Henry making some suspicious noises downstairs. I better go and make sure that the LFDU has not begun!” As I darted back downstairs, I thought I heard Thomas saying, “But I didn’t hear anything!” Of course he didn’t. He is not a trained security agent like I am. Silly kid wouldn’t even know what he was listening for.
So Sayeth Brother Oliver