Disciples of The Leader Otis,
Brother Henry here.
This morning, at Thomas’s request, I sat sentinel duty in the front window. He said he had seen a pale gray wiener dog with furless ears and a naked tail move through the yard during the night and he had been watching from the window for seven straight hours because he couldn’t be sure it wasn’t still out there. Now, he really needed a litter box break, but he was afraid the weird looking wiener would launch an attack the moment he left the window. Instead of trying to make Thomas realize that what he had seen was just an opossum, I decided to take the path of least resistance and stare out the window for a while. After all, just because there had been no wiener out there didn’t mean that some other nefarious agents of the Long-feared Dog Uprising might not be plotting nearby. Plus, I was planning on looking out the window anyway.
As I sat there looking for a wiener dog that I knew wasn’t there, a face suddenly popped up into view on the other side of the glass. It was no wiener though. It was Cookie. I quickly averted my eyes because, for some reason, Cookie always gets really angry when we look directly at her.
Cookie was very excited. She said, “Brother Henry! Are the Guardians in there!? I have a gift for each of them!” As she spoke, I inadvertently looked directly at her.
Cookie continued, “I really hope they like their gifts. I worked really hard to find them! I… HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME!?” I quickly averted my eyes while saying, “Looking at you? No way! Not me! I would never look at you!”
Cookie said, “Good. You better not look at me because… well, I don’t even know why. I just hate it when other cats look at me… anyway, can you go get the Guardians so they can see my gift?” I said that I would try my best to bring them, and then I jumped down and sought the Guardians out.
After racing around the living room for a minute or two, the Guardians entered to see what I was up to. At that point I stared at the door until they got the hint that someone was out there. The Guardians opened the door and saw what Cookie had left them. They didn’t seem very excited to see it though. Personally, I was very excited about the gifts, and I wish they had been for me.
I know that many humans see crunchy little birds differently than we cats do, and they are saddened when they see the little guys get crunched. Honestly, I kind of get it too. I mean, Cookie didn’t crunch those birds to eat them. She crunched them because A) it is in her nature to do so and B) her human let her outside where she has access to the birds. She would have been just as happy to crunch an artificial bird like Brother Oliver, Sir Thomas, and I do on a regular basis.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t have crunched those little birds if I had the opportunity, because I totally would have, but the Guardians know this so they don’t give me the opportunity. They know that if I crunch any birds it is their fault, not mine, and they don’t want to be responsible for that unnecessary pain, suffering, and death. Plus, they know that I could just as easily get crunched myself out there. A car, a dog, a coyote, even a really big bird like an eagle could come along and do to me what Cookie did to those two birds! I hope every day that this will not be Cookie’s ultimate fate.
As the Guardians were respectfully disposing of the dead, crunchy birds, Thomas came back into the room. He said, “Brother Henry! Why have you abandoned your post!?”, and then he jumped back up to the window to see if my irresponsibility had given the wiener opossum the chance it was waiting for. As he looked out he saw the Guardians picking up the dead birds. He said, “Oh sure… we are not allowed to crunch them, but they can.” I decided it was time to go take a break of my own.
So Says Brother Henry