Disciples of Otis,
Brother Oliver here. After Brother Henry left to go find Thomas, I stayed behind to try to hide the wiener dog scratcher as I was asked. After several minutes passed though, I had to desert my post briefly to take care of some urgent business at the litter box. I’m ashamed to say I might have waited a little too long… Anyway when I returned to the living room I was shocked to find Thomas sitting on top of the wiener dog scratcher giving himself a bath!
Thomas looked over at me and said, “Oh, hi bluffa Offiffa. Ooops… sorry. Had my mouth full there. Hi Brother Oliver.” I quickly ran over and threw my shoulder into Thomas, knocking him off the scratcher. Well… actually… I tried to throw my shoulder into him to knock him off the scratcher. Being a trained knight, he simply jumped out of the way, evading my attack and causing me to come crashing down on the cardboard wiener dog. Annoyed, Sir Thomas said, “What the heck are you doing, Brother Oliver!? You almost broke my wiener dog simulator!”
I had knocked the wind out of myself, so it took me a moment to catch my breath before saying, “You’re wiener dog simulator? Sir Thomas, what are you talking about!?” Thomas told me to get out of the way so he could show me. He said, “Well, some day we are undoubtedly going to have to face the Mongrel Horde when the LF(W)DU comes to pass, and everyone knows that the dastardly wiener dogs are the most feared ground troops among the dogs, right?” I declined to answer, but Thomas continued, “Well, I’ve never actually faced a wiener in open battle, so this wiener dog simulator is helping me to prepare for that eventuality. Please observe.”
With that, Thomas dug his claws into the wiener dog scratcher right at the back of its simulated wiener dog head. He let out a blood curdling battle cry the likes of which I had not heard since our photo session a few months back.
After his demonstration, Sir Thomas said, “So you see, by practicing on this simulated wiener dog for a few hours each day, I will be able to better protect Her Majesty the… I mean all of us… from eventual wiener attack.” Before I could reply, I heard Brother Henry behind me saying, “Keef yo frenfs clof, an yo emamees clofer…”
Thomas said, “What was that, Brother Henry?”, and brother Henry Replied, “Oh, sorry about that. I stepped in something wet as I was coming back here to the living room to check in with Brother Oliver. I was trying to clean it off. It kind of smells like pee.” I declined to comment on what Brother Henry had just said.
Brother Henry continued, “So, as I was saying, Thomas, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. That seems like the philosophy you are following with the wiener dog simulator. Hmmmm… by the way, the Guardians don’t seem to know where that thing came from. Do you have any idea?” Thomas said, “Yes I do. I got on the computer and I ordered it from the jungle.” Puzzled I said, “The jungle? Which jungle?”, and Sir Thomas replied, “From the Amazon.”. Thomas then got up and began to leave, and I said, “Wait… but how did you pay for it?”, and he replied, “Let’s just say the Guardians should keep their kitties close, but their credit cards closer…” Before I even knew I was going to, I burst out laughing.
So I guess the mystery of the cardboard wiener dog has been solved… at least for us kitties. I’m not sure the Guardians will ever figure out how it got charged on their credit card. Brother Henry and I have both agreed to keep Thomas’s secret safe. After all, it’s a matter of Cult security.
So Sayeth Oliver