People and fur people who like The Leader Otis,
It’s Thomas. I have been a little bit paranoid ever since Leader Otis said He heard a pack of crazed wieners in front of the house on Sunday. By the end of the day, The Leader said He was pretty sure the threat had passed, but I am not so sure. That is why I have once again become as shadow. I have cloaked Myself in darkness here beneath the couch so that I may leap out and surprise any elongated canine foes that dare to invade The Leader’s Indoor Domain.
Although it is true that I am now Sir Thomas, first knight of The Cult of Otis, and The Heart of our cause, I am also still Secret Agent T, silent watcher in the shadows, and worst nightmare of all canine agents of The Long Feared (Wiener) Dog Uprising! You see, I… HUH!? What was that? I… I thought I heard wiener…
OK. It looks like stuff is about to get real. I need you to be prepared for what you are about to see. I need you to understand that it will not be pretty. I can give this wiener no quarter. If I show him mercy, he will run on his comically stubby little legs back to his pack, and then he will return with a wiener assault force. One wiener I can handle, but a squad of five or six highly trained assault wieners? Let’s just say that unless I had Brother Henry for backup, the odds would not be in my favor.
Hmmmm… I can still hear him out there, but I just heard something strange. It sounded like a drawer opening. Can wieners open drawers? Wait… can wieners open DOORS? If not, how did this wiener even get inside?
Oh man. What if everything I thought I knew about wiener dogs was wrong? What if… what if they are not only squat and long, but they also have thumbs! Oh my gosh! Thumbed wiener dogs!? That would completely throw off the feline/canine power balance! They could even open their own cans of food which would completely negate the need for a human in their supply chain! I must warn Leader Otis and Brother Henry! I must…AHHHHHHH! BRIGHT LIGHT!
Oh… it’s just the bigger Guardian. He has a flashlight and he is shining it under here. You know, it was probably him opening that drawer. I bet the light was in there. Come to think of it, it was probably him I was hearing all along.
Well, the wiener threat has not materialized, and my cover is blown, so I guess I might as well head back up to headquarters in Kitty Valhalla and call it a night. Still… tonight has raised some very serious questions as to the true capabilities of the dastardly wieners. Perhaps a little research is in order…