Disciples of Otis,
Brother Oliver here. When we left off yesterday, I was just leaving Kitty Valhalla after My unsuccessful attempt to get either Leader Otis or Sir Thomas to open the smelly mystery package addressed to Brother Henry. I decided to take the package back down to the living room where I would open it myself. When I reached the living room though, I was overcome with the urge to rub my face all over the box. I just couldn’t help it. That stink was so intoxicating!
As the stench vapors penetrated into my very soul, I fell over on my side next to the box. It was at that moment that Brother Henry entered the room. I heard him say, “Brother Oliver? What are you doing over there?” I thought, “Uh-oh.”
As Brother Henry arrived at the package and began to sniff it I said, “Oh, this? It’s ummmm… It’s a package, Brother Henry. It came in the mail from our friends at Katnip Lounge! Pretty exciting, huh?”
Brother Henry said, “Hmmmm… Katnip Lounge. I think I remember them saying they were going to send me something that was stinky like feet. Woah. This certainly fits that description!” Excitedly, and without thinking it through, I said, “Yes, Brother Henry! This package is addressed to you!”
Then Brother Henry said, “Wait a minute… Brother Oliver? Why is the package all damaged? Hmmmm… have you been trying to open MY package?”
I tried to remain calm, cool and collected as I said, “Why, Brother Henry! How could you accuse me of such a thing? Clearly the package has your name on it. Why would I try to open your package?” I saw him looking at the tooth holes and I said, “Oh, those holes? That was Leader Otis. You don’t mind that HE tried to open your package do you? I couldn’t care less what is in the package. In fact, It doesn’t matter to me one bit whether you open it or not. Nope. Not one bit.” Brother Henry looked at me for a moment, and then he said, “OK then. I won’t open it. I need a bath anyway, so if you will please excuse me, Brother Oliver…” He then began to bathe.
I sat in silence for a moment before saying, “Not that I care at all, but don’t you think you should at least see what is inside the package, Brother Henry? I mean, it was a gift. It would be rude not to open it, right?” Brother Henry continued to bathe. He repositioned himself and said, “I’m taking care of some important business here Brother Oliver. The package will still be here if I feel like opening it later…”
Since Brother Henry was busy, I thought I should try to open the package for him. I mean, that seemed like the helpful thing to do, right? So I walked over to the package, but just as I was about to try to tear it open Brother Henry sat up and said, “Brother Oliver? What are you doing?”
I tentatively began to sniff at the edge of the box as I said, “Well…umm… since you’re busy and all, Brother Henry, I thought I could… you know… help you out by opening the box for you. Wouldn’t you like me to do that?” Brother Henry said, “Not really, Brother Oliver…”
At this point, I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking. I think I must have been completely intoxicated by the smell coming out of that box, because what I did next was, shall we say, unwise. You see, I hit Brother Henry. And I don’t mean I just gave him a joking, playful, brotherly tap. I hit him hard… right in the face. The force of it surprised even me.
Any other kitty probably would have been floored by my mighty blow, but this is Brother Henry we are talking about here. He was not floored. He was not even stunned. He looked at me with his steeliest gaze, and slowly raised his left forepaw. I tried to stare back, but all I could think was, “Oh crap…”
Suddenly, Brother Henry’s paw shot toward me. I was so hyped up that I was ready for it, and I ducked as that paw passed overhead.
Unfortunately, Brother Henry was only using the paw as a distraction. As I ducked down, he did this crazy roll toward me. As he spun around, he performed a mighty rabbit kick with both of his back legs. They caught me in the gut and sent me sprawling.
As I dropped to the ground in a heap, Brother Henry laid down next to the stinky package and began to sniff deeply of its vapors. I dared not make another attempt to approach. Fortunately, the Guardians soon entered the room and took control of both the package and the situation in general.
So Sayeth Brother Oliver