I mentioned yesterday that one of the Guardians kept staring at Me while he was reading a book. Well, I guess I should have paid more attention to the title of the book because it might have shed some light on the situation. The Guardian left the book on the couch when he went to work, and I got a closer look. The title was, “How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You”, and it was apparently written by a bowl of breakfast cereal. I knocked the book off the couch and it fell open on the ground. I was shocked by what it contained.
Inside the book there was a rundown of common cat behaviors. Each behavior was interpreted as a possible sign that a kitty was plotting a lethal attack. I couldn’t believe that The Farina… errr… maybe it was The Cream of Wheat… no, The Oatmeal! That’s who wrote it! Anyway, I couldn’t believe that The Malt-o-Meal would write such inflammatory things! I mean, does anyone honestly believe that we cats could ever be devious, secretive and deadly? Of course they don’t! We are well known as… ummm… well… we’re known as completely innocent, fuzzy, cute little creatures… errrr… right?
I called Brother Oliver, The Brains of The Cult of Otis, into the room. I asked him to inspect the book to see what he thought of it.
After looking at the book closely, Brother Oliver paused and shook his head. He said, “Leader Otis, don’t you see what this is?” I replied, “Yes, it’s a book about how cat’s might try to kill people written by a breakfast cereal …” Brother Oliver then said, “No Leader Otis. Breakfast cereal can’t write books.”
I gasped. He was right! Cereal really can’t write books! I asked, “If Cheerios didn’t write this book Brother Oliver… then who did!?” Brother Oliver replied, “It must have been written by an agent or agents of the Long-feared Dog Uprising!” I gasped again. Of course! Who else would stand to benefit from a book that tries to make Guardians suspicious of their kitties! Brother Oliver continued, “Look here Leader Otis. If you rearrange the letters of the author’s name, ‘The Oatmeal’, you get the words ‘A Meat Hotel’. Who would really like a hotel filled with meat?” I thought about this for a moment and said, “Me?” To which Brother Oliver replied, “No! No! No! Well… I mean… yeah, you would.. so would I… but who else would like it?” “DOGS!” I exclaimed. “Exactly.” Brother Oliver replied.
At that point it all became so clear. The dogs were trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between us and The Guardians so the Uprising could commence. Well, nice try My canine friends, but this aggression will not stand! Brother Oliver has cracked the code and discovered your little scheme and now the eyes of The Leader are looking right at you!
I am ordering Brother Henry to take us to Defcat 3, and if I hear so much as a bark we’re going immediately to Defcat 1! I am also advising all kitties to be on the lookout for signs of suspicion in your Guardians. If they are looking at you funny it might be because they were brainwashed by this canine propaganda book. Be vigilant My feline brothers and sisters! Oh, and if you should happen to find out that there really is a meat hotel, please tell The Brothers and I right away. We would like to book a vacation.
So Sayeth Otis