As you are aware, I have launched a new pawlitical party and now I am running for President of the United States. By now, My Otis for POTUS bumper stickers are probably a common sight on every city street in the country. But Brother Oliver says I need more than bumper stickers, so today I will tell you My positions on some important issues… well, at least I think they are important issues. Brother Oliver gave Me the list and he says these are the things a candidate should be talking about, so I will.
Today we will cover the first four topics Brother Oliver gave Me. I will cover the rest tomorrow because writing My position statements really cut into nap time today. Here we go.
As President, I will work My hardest to achieve a 100% unemployment rate among kitties. No more cats forced to work outside as “barn cats”. No more cats forced into the business of breeding to make kittens for profit. No more cats forced to “work” in laboratories. Kitties are born to be animals of leisure, doing what they want, when the want, within the confines of a safe confinement plan. I will work to enact legislation that ensures that each kitty can achieve the ultimate level of pampering, adoration and relaxation without ever having to worry about working for their keep. This is the life to which every kitty has become entitled by the human choice to domesticate us.
From what I have read, the economy, whatever that is, is kind of bad right now. So, I guess as President I will work to stamp out the economy, ridding our country of whatever this bad thing is! What’s that Brother Oliver? We need the economy? OK. Then I guess I will make the economy good somehow. Trust Me.
As President I will make it mandatory for all citizens to memorize the Commandments of Otis and The Nine Deadly Sins. This will help educate them in how to be true kitty Guardians! I will also guarantee free, Guardian provided clicker training for all kitties who desire it.
Although most felines out there will be opposed to this as it means regular visits to The Bad Place, as President, I will work to ensure that all kitties have access to high quality, Guardian-provided healthcare. This Guardian-provided healthcare will be mandated to provide birth control (spaying and neutering) with no kitty co-pays. I think I will call it “Veticare”.
I’m sure you are all now thoroughly convinced that I am the right cat for the job, but tomorrow I will fill you in on the rest of My plans to put this country back on the right track. So tune in tomorrow for My positions on national security, the environment and foreign policy. I promise it will be both enlightening and inspiring!
So Sayeth Otis