Mama Cat held her first session of training camp for Catlympic hopefuls this morning. Domino, Beatrice and Thomas all showed up on time and, as Mama Cat had requested, none of them seemed to be under the influence of catnip. Mama Cat decided to start the session by giving the attendees a quick demonstration of her technique.
As the handler brought the simulated bird to life, Mama Cat said, “All right everybody, here we go. The first thing you want to keep in mind is, always keep your eyes on the bird. Things happen fast in the Catlympics, and you don’t want to find yourself sitting there wondering where the bird went while valuable seconds are ticking away. Or even worse, you don’t want to panic, mistake your own tail for the bird, and start chasing it like a dog!”
Mama Cat continued, “Now, by keeping your eyes on the bird, you will be able to anticipate its next move.” Then, to demonstrate this concept, Mama Cat leapt up onto the cement wall behind her just as the bird landed on it, and she trapped it with her paws. She said, “See how easy that is? Just watch, anticipate, and act.”
Next, Mama Cat jumped back down onto the grass. She said, “Now, this ‘anticipate and act’ theory doesn’t only work for birds that land on the ground. You can also anticipate the movement of a flying bird and use aerial techniques to capture it before it lands. Observe.” As the bird handler made the bird fly back and forth over Mama Cat’s head, she tracked it closely. It flew by once, twice, and then Mama launched herself skyward in what appeared to be a hybrid of her Catmikaze and Flying Squirrel moves. The combination move must have required a lot of effort, because from My elevated vantage point in My Outdoor Domain I clearly heard Mama Cat break wind. No, I am not making that up. Mama Cat actually farted as she jumped.
Domino was too far away to hear Mama Cat’s assident, but Thomas and Beatrice were close enough that they definitely heard something. They didn’t know what it was that they had heard though. I heard Thomas say, “What was that?”, and Beatrice replied, “I’m…not…sure…do you smell something?” Both of them began to look around and sniff the air, and then they looked a bit disturbed.
Clearly embarrassed, Mama Cat quickly composed herself and said, “Trainees! What are you doing!? You have taken your eyes off the bird!” Beatrice and Thomas immediately forgot the strange odor they were smelling and once again gave Mama their full attention. “That’s better…” Mama said, “There will be plenty of distractions when you are competing in the Catlympic Games. A true Catlympian needs to ignore all extraneous…errrrr…noise and focus only on the goal. Now, let’s see how well you have been paying attention. Beatrice! Take your mark!”
With that, Mama Cat stepped aside so that Beatrice could take center stage. We were about to find out if Mama Cat really had what it takes to train the cathletes of tomorrow.
So Sayeth Otis