I finally tracked down Brother Oliver last night and asked him how I could find out whether or not I have worms. Since Brother Oliver is The Brains of The Cult of Otis, I know I can always rely on him to have all the answers. Last night, he did not let Me down.
Brother Oliver said that the worms that make kitties bellies big sometimes come out of their butts. I thought he was joking at first, but his face stayed completely serious as he told Me this. When I realized he wasn’t kidding, I asked him if he would mind checking My butt for worms. Just as I finished asking the question, Brother Oliver quickly ran out of the room saying, “Sorry Leader Otis but I just remembered a very urgent thing to which I need to attend!” Whatever he needed to attend to must have been amusing, because I heard him laughing his head off as he retreated.
Since Brother Oliver was unable to help Me due to his urgent, very funny business, I decided to see if Brother Henry would help. I found him in the office next to the computer desk. When I asked if he could help Me he said, “Of course Leader Otis! What do you need me to do?” I plopped down onto the floor and rolled over on My back with My tail-end pointed at Brother Henry. I spread My hind legs and said, “Brother Henry, do you see any worms on My butt?”
Brother Henry was silent for a moment. As he is one of My loyal High Priests, I knew that this silence meant he was taking his job seriously and inspecting Me closely for worms. During the silence, I could also hear My other loyal High Priest, Brother Oliver, still guffawing in the other room. It really made Me curious about the important task he was attending to. Anyway, after a few moments Brother Henry said, “Ummmmm…I don’t know how to say this, but…well, let’s just say I don’t see any worms.”
I was relieved to hear this news, but something in the way Brother Henry had answered made Me wonder whether or not he was withholding some information. I asked, “Are you sure Brother Henry? You don’t see anything?” To which he replied, “Uhhhh, well, I didn’t say that I don’t see anything exactly, just no worms.”
“So you do see something!” I said, “Don’t hold back man, tell Me what you see!”
“Ummmmm…well…” said Brother Henry, “what I see is…errrr…uhhhhh…poo. You have a sizable piece of poo stuck to the fur around your butt.”
I was speechless for a moment, and apparently Brother Henry was too. The only sounds to be heard in the otherwise silent moment were the laughs and chortles of Brother Oliver, which now seemed to have reached a fever pitch, coming from the other room. I raised one paw to My face, covering My eyes in shame, and quietly said, “Brother Henry, that will be all…”
I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief as Brother Henry quickly exited the room. When he was gone, I slowly rolled over, sat up and gathered My thoughts. On the one paw, I was relieved to know that I apparently didn’t have worms. On the other paw, I was mortified that Brother Henry had to see what he had seen. Since My long hair and general svelteness sometimes make it difficult for Me to effectively clean the most distant recesses of My anatomy, I occasionally miss some of the fine details. This had apparently been one such occasion. Now, alone in the room, I took the opportunity to remedy the situation in a way that I have found to be effective.
Sitting up, with my hind legs sticking out in front of Me and my tail sticking straight out behind, I began to scoot Myself forward using My front legs. In the past, I have found that this motion creates friction between My backside and the carpet, and it effectively removes anything that may be clinging to the areas that I can’t reach. I know it’s not very dignified for a Leader of My stature to perform such an awkward looking maneuver, but I gotta go with what works. Plus, the alternative is trying to clean Myself with My tongue. How dignified is that!?
As I scooted across the carpet I was confident that My special maneuver would be successful, and I would soon be rid of the embarrassing artifact attached to My fur. Unfortunately, Brother Oliver walked into the room while I was still in the act of scooting. He gasped and then stared at Me with his eyes wide. I froze in mid scoot, and stared back at him with a horrified look on My face. Eventually Brother Oliver broke the silence saying, “Ummmm…Leader Otis? I think you might have worms.”
So Sayeth Otis