Yesterday afternoon I confronted Brother Henry as he sat looking out the window. I told him that he was a suspect in my barfathon conspiracy investigation and that he had better tell Me what he knows or else. What followed was a complete surprise, even to this hardened investigator.
Brother Henry looked Me straight in the eye and said, “Barfathon conspiracy? Leader Otis…what the heck are you talking about?” I told him about the evidence I had found in Kitty Valhalla and in the living room. I told him that the oversized, plush novelty cherry placed him at the scene of the second barfathon. I told him that one of My Disciples had theorized that the barfathon was the work of a highly trained team of barfing kitty ninjas but that I was more convinced that this was an inside job. Brother Henry looked at Me with a baffled expression and then shook his head before launching into a full-blown confession!
Brother Henry said, “Leader Otis, I’m a little embarrassed by all of the hairball barfing, but there is no conspiracy. The other day I was sitting on The Sacred White Cloud of Eternal Comfiness in Kitty Valhalla giving myself a bath while Brother Oliver was bathing himself on the bench in front of the window. It was kind of hot up there, and we were both shedding, so I think we both swallowed a little more fur than we should have. Halfway through my bath my stomach could take no more. I began making that involuntary ‘hork, hork, hork’ sound with accompanying gagging motion and before I knew it I had blown a hairy barf all over the sacred white cloud. Brother Oliver saw the whole thing. He had swallowed quite a bit of hair himself and, well, he’s a sympathetic barfer so seeing me barf pushed him over the edge. He let fly all over the bench.”
I interrupted Brother Henry there, pointing out that there were two barfs by the sacred cloud and two in the vicinity of the bench. “I know…” he said, “…I’m a sympathetic barfer too. When I saw Brother Oliver barf, I barfed again. This time it flew a foot or two and hit the cardboard scratcher. Seeing my second barf set off Brother Oliver once more and he projectile barfed onto the floor in front of the bench. After that we were all barfed out, and Valhalla had become so disgusting that we got the heck out of there!”
My mind was reeling at this confession but I pushed on. I asked Brother Henry what had happened a few days later in the living room. He said, “Well, Brother Oliver was sitting on the bench in front of the computer desk and I was on the floor in front of him playing with my plush cherry toy. For some reason Brother Oliver felt compelled to start talking, in detail, about what had happened in Kitty Valhalla. I asked him to stop, but he kept talking about it. Before I knew it I was blasting a very large hairball barf onto the floor and all over the cat tree with the drawers. Witnessing this triggered Brother Oliver’s sympathetic barf reflex and next thing I knew the bench had been barfed on. Fortunately, I averted my eyes before the actual barfing occurred so the cycle did not continue. Immediately afterward we both bolted from the room to avoid stepping in any of the barf!”
At this point Brother Henry started to look a bit queasy, so I told him to go get himself a drink of water. I stayed at the window to ponder the confession I had just heard.
Days of meticulous investigating had all led up to this point. I had studied the crime scenes, analyzed the clues and followed the leads. In the end, the hard work paid off and I not only got My primary suspect to confess, I got him to turn in his partner in crime as well. After closing this difficult case I think there can be no doubt that I am the greatest kitty detective of all time. But, My Disciples, I find Myself having difficulty celebrating My victory. This is not because I don’t think that the celebration is well deserved, but rather because I’m not sure I am physically up to it. You see…I find that after all of this…I am feeling…just a little bit…<burp>…nauseous.
So Sayeth Otis