Those of you who have been members of My flock for some time now will likely remember that I once tried to devise a new martial art that I called “Kitty Fu.” The idea was that I would teach this form of self-defense to all of the poor kitties wandering alone and unprotected in the shadows. Although I eventually realized that teaching all of the kitties would be impractical, I continued to practice Kitty Fu in the safety of My indoor domain.
Many of you may also recall that I was working on My sneaky skills recently. I have become very good at moving through My environment and remaining undetected by those around Me.
Earlier today I decided to test out My sneakiness and Kitty Fu skills in a real world scenario. It all started when I noticed that Brother Oliver was laying on the Mystical Mat of Toastiness that the Guardians of Otis sometimes press against their backs. One of the Guardians had been using the mat earlier, but when they got up and left the room Brother Oliver saw his chance to experience the magic.
As Brother Oliver lay there soaking up the warmth, I began to make My way toward him. I squeezed underneath the couch and inched forward silently on My belly. Emerging from beneath the couch, I quickly took cover behind the ottoman. I then crouched low and hugged the edge of the ottoman, sticking to the shadows as I approached Brother Oliver from behind. I was close then, and any noise or misstep would have alerted Brother Oliver to My presence. I have incorporated the technique called “ninja focus” into My Kitty Fu, and I used that to slow My breathing and heart rate as I moved within striking distance. Brother Oliver was looking away from Me. I knew I would only get one chance at this. My haunches tensed, and My back end rocked from side to side as I judged the distance and prepared to unleash the fury. I took a deep breath in and pounced.
At the last minute Brother Oliver turned to face the attack, but it was too late. I caught him around the cheeks, forcing his head down between My forelegs so I could bite him on the head. I call it “The Skull Cracker” and It was a move I had practiced many times on My stuffed wolf punching bag. Although Brother Oliver has at least five pounds on Me, the ferocity of My attack and the fact that it caught him totally by surprise struck terror into his heart. Well, at least I think that was terror I saw in his eyes when he stood up, put his ears back and slammed me to the floor. He then yawned, stretched and retreated in the direction of our food bowl. I was left to enjoy the fruits of My glorious victory!
As I lay there soaking up the magical warmth emanating from the Mystical Mat of Toastiness, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of awe for the level to which I was able to train My mind and body. I realized in that moment that I had become a deadly, unstoppable force in addition to being a visionary cult leader. I resolved in that moment to always use My newly realized power for good, not evil. I also resolved to take a looooong nap on the Mystical Mat of Toastiness, and I’m happy to say that I stuck to that resolution.
So Sayeth Otis