I think I might be starting to come to grips with the fact that I do have a catnip banana problem. A recent incident has helped to show Me that, at the very least, I tend to lose control when the banana is around. A few days ago, as I was polishing off the last of the food in My bowl, I heard a noise coming from upstairs. It sounded like someone licking a catnip banana. I thought that this was impossible because Brother Oliver told Me he had disposed of the banana after the disgraceful incident in which he videotaped Me licking it. Still, it’s a very distinct sound, and I was hard pressed to find another explanation for what I was hearing. I climbed the stairs to investigate.
When I reached the top of the stairs I froze. I could not believe what I was seeing. Brother Henry was sitting on the Sacred White Cloud of Eternal Comfiness and licking the catnip banana.
I’m ashamed to say, My Disciples, that I kind of lost it at this point. At the sight of that banana My pupils dilated and I flew into a rage. I screamed at Brother Henry to give Me the banana immediately or risk the wrath of Otis!
Brother Henry immediately dropped the banana and laid down on it. He put on his most innocent face and told Me he had no idea what I was talking about. He said he hadn’t seen the banana since Brother Oliver destroyed it. Nostrils flaring and tail twitching, I began to advance on him.
Brother Oliver was sitting nearby watching this whole interaction from our new Scratch Lounger. As I advanced, he turned to Brother Henry and said, “You know what we have to do. On three…one…two…”
Just as I lunged at Brother Henry, Brother Oliver shouted, “THREE!” Brother Henry leapt to his feet and flipped the banana back over his head through the air. Brother Oliver rushed to catch it, and I made a break to beat him to it. Brother Henry backflipped over My head, landed between Brother Oliver and I and then pinned Me down on the Scratch Lounger. In his most intimidating voice he yelled, “LEADER! GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!”, and then he began quickly grooming Me in an attempt to calm Me down.
I was even more enraged at first, struggling against Brother Henry in a continued attempt to get to the banana. Then, Brother Oliver tucked the banana out of sight behind one of our baskets and he rushed to Brother Henry’s side to attempt to help him in soothing Me. I began to calm down.
I guess it must have gotten pretty noisy upstairs, because at this point we heard the Guardians shouting up the stairs asking what was going on. All thoughts of the banana quickly evaporated from My mind as I thought about the Guardians coming upstairs and seeing Me in My weakened state. Brothers Henry and Oliver are both cats, therefore they realize that I have My weaknesses. The Guardians, however, worship Me as an infallible being. I could not abide their seeing Me like this.
The Brothers and I remained silent, and the Guardians went back to whatever they were doing downstairs. It had been a close call, but it seemed My impeccable image in the Guardians’ eyes would remain. I had calmed down enough now that I was again thinking rationally. I sat calmly, flanked by The Brains and The Muscle of the Cult of Otis.
As we sat there quietly, Brother Oliver asked Me if I would finally admit that I might have a problem with catnip bananas. I looked at him for a moment, then I looked over at Brother Henry. I thought about what had just transpired. Finally, I said that maybe I do have a problem with catnip bananas, but I secretly decided that I would need to spend some quality time with a catnip banana just to be sure…
So Sayeth otis